long time since a post

I guess i've been somewhat preoccupied

oldie but goodie

I love you Promise Anne ( with an E ;]) Newell, I hope you always know that.

how should i say this...

I'm not really sure why but lately ive been at a loss for words. It's not so much that i'm unaware of my emotions or anything of that sort however I just don't have anything to brag or complain about. I was realizing this thinking dangg what the heck...I ALWAYS have something to say, but you know what, i'm okay with this. I think this is the point where I realize I am content with life, not that I dont see some room from improvement or where things would make it a bit nicer however i'm good, and I am oh so very thankful for that.

DISNEYLAND!

more pictures are going to come once lizy uploads them :]

I felt like such a loser at disneyland, I learned that I am VERY easily entertained- I had so much fun with the littlest things. I think it's the whole "only child" syndrome, I just dont really get bored easily. I've found that its probably the only benefit of being an only child.

p.s

not that anyone is even remotely interested in such a trivial matter as the one im about to bring up but I am a bit irked right now.

okay. so..
I was with Promise, like I always am, at target..heh... and I decided that I wanted to buy an air freshener, who knows WHY, or what the hell made me think of buying an air freshener for my car when surrounded by a store full of apartment must haves, clothes, cds, movies, the works, but it passed my little mind and I felt it was something I needed to have. So I am down the car whatever aisle, sniffing each freshener trying to find the perfect match. Well. Normally I opt for the "pina colada" or the coconut breeze but nooooo I decided to be different and get cucumber melon this time. I had the notion that I would step outside my box and embrace a little change in my life, I thought hey why not start buy picking out a different smell.

well shit.

I put it in my car, and i'm likin it for the first couple weeks thinking "hey it smells like a jolly rancher...AWESOME....

all I have to say is a month later, the air freshener was tossed out my window a block away and the smell STILL remains.

ive washed
ive cracked the window.
NOTHING is getting rid of it.
It traveled onto my most beloved jacket, my sweater, now on my hand and arm... it's everywhere and it will not come off.

never, and I mean never again will I purchase a car freshener...
that damn target car aisle.


:0

i'll live

god does in fact provide

wasnt able to pay rent- got sent a 250 dollar check along with 40 dollars cash from a close friend
wasnt able to buy groceries-the good ol mum made me a care package that will last till I get paid next.
wasnt able to afford gas-got a 50 dollar gas card... the list goes on

I have been so blessed with amazing people in my life.
:]

New Years!!

I had such a good time!! I got to spend it with two of my best friends at a party in Rancho and

here are just a few pictures.

since my camera doesnt work cell phone pictures had to do :/

more will come later

New Years Resolution:

become a chicka-pesca-turkey-nosweets-a-tarian. :]

Be content...everything that entails

content with myself

whatever circumstance comes my way

whatever happens just be okay and be okay with me.

night shift

I realized that I need to work. Not for the money it brings in or for the sole purpose of paying bills, but I need my coworkers, I need those few nice customers that come in once in a while, I need to be challenged, irritated, worked, tired, laughing hysterically, or ridiculously mad. Because when I lack those series of emotions I forget what life is, what human interaction and existence is all about. It's about those extremes, the shades of grey,the hours upon hours of investing, the accomplishments, the shortcomings...

it's about feeling something real...and nothing is more real than raw emotion.

Impatience

one of my biggest downfalls is just that, impatience. I constantly feel like I have to know everything right now and if I can't, then I MAKE it happen. I manipulate the situation, control too much, or just demand for the result, or answer. Waiting to see where the chips fall has always been bull shit to me, they WILL NEVER fall if I don't DO something.

In this case I just want to ask a question, I hate moving forward blindly, not knowing what wall I am going to run into. I would rather just know. I suppose that takes the fun out of it but it also saves you from the potential grief and pain.

I just want to know where this is going- if anywhere at all. I guess that's my question, where?
Are we working towards something? Are we someone to just by time with,? Are we still just trying to figure that out? Because we go through these phases, we hang out quite a bit and I swear I know where we are heading next and then it stops.

I would be OK if I just knew.

:]

I'm happy.

that's it for now.

one more...

"[Someone] who's happy when its natural, and sad and disappointed and frustrated when that's natural. But someone who never pushes those feelings on themselves because they think thats how it should be. Someone who lets themselves feel crummy and bad when things are crummy and bad because they know that that's ok - even though in the end things will be ok. More than ok, in fact. Things will be wonderful. I think that's optimism."

Marilyn says it perfectly!

FINALLLY

bahahaha
I can start painting :D

canvas (check)
brushes (check)
paint(check)

um yea...this is my next big thing.

p.s. I havent seen my best friend in 3 days and I think I am going to die.

3:30

I have no idea why but when I am around this certain guy, I completely freeze up. I dont mean the casual "I have a crush nerves," I mean I get SILENT. I have nothing to say and when I do happen to utter a word, it makes no sense. I spill things around him, I start kinda shaking... it's so pathetic. What's sad is I know him and I would be perfect together but he'll never see that because I cant seem to be myself- I get so stuck. What he doesnt know is we have all these things in common, and my personality, my REAL personality fits with his. This has honestly NEVER happened to me before. I have NEVER felt this way. It has so much potential but he'll never know. :/

The only reason he semi sees me now is because over texting I can actually say what I am thinking and what I would normally voice... it intrigues him, so he asks to hang out. We hang out, and I cant say one thing. He gives me this weird look like what the hell. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO.

the whole "just loosen up" advice isnt working.

please,
helllllp.
:[

wtf

Have you ever had this unmistakable desire to be in a music video? Where you singing and dancing frantically around is socially acceptable because, well, its "business."

I really have no idea why but I ALWAYS want to sing and dance around- I mean alwaysss. I would say its becoming to be a bit weird.
For instance, I was visiting my mom and when I looked at the time my thought went something like this:

(in my head) hmm I better be getting home, it's late...( here comes the worst part and I promise I am not kidding) I wonder whats on the radio right now... okay...
"bye mom I love you"

I have this obsession with turning my radio up ridiculously loud and just belting out while making obscene dancing gestures that i think are pretty damn cool. I look forward to driving specifically because I want to sing and dance.

I wish sometimes we could all pull a "High School Musical" or "Hairspray" and just burst out in song, run, and DANCE.

I wish I had some sort of reason to do it... ya know?
I'm probably totally alone on this one.


on a side note: I use to think I might have road rage...
now...
I definitely have road rage.

dont tail gate me bitches.

mushycrap

So, as I mentioned in prior posts, December....how can I say this right..... was the worst fucking month of my life. (excuse the cussing)
Just moved out
Roommate troubles
Dad ditching me
financial issues
boys
having to be REAL with myself
holidays without someone...
the list could really just go on and on
So in light of this mad crazy month I decided to spend some time with the good ol fam and second family.

You move out on your own and you get so consumed with socializing, 'events' to attend, school, work, just being independent and then there comes a time when you have a few moments where that all stops. You have time to think- to remember and to reminisce. Sometimes, just sometimes,you forget about life outside your bubble, you forget about family- about the people who have always been there. and maybe because it's just that...they have ALWAYS been THERE.

Well, this happens once a week.
I run myself in circles, rushing, getting so wrapped up in meaningless mayhem...it's really sick.
I pause and I remember:

My mom making those healthy agave treats that are irresistible.
My step-dad being the smart ass that he is... but having the best lovable intentions.
My dogs that I miss dearly.
Sitting and just telling my mom every concern and worry and her just listening.
Her buying me a 25 dollar lotion bottle JUST because my hands were a bit dry
Promise playing the piano for me while I just admire and realize just how beautiful, talented, and amazing MY best friend is.
Marilyn being so gosh darn adorable and making me her famous cooookies
Joylyn and I laughing hysterically at the dumbest things and her showing me her most recent amazing photos
Terrie giving me a WHOLE box of truffles JUST because I liked them
Benji being crazy
Weeeeel and his showing off of his sweater
Promise slapping his weel.
oh man...
I really just love my family.



:]

1 1/2

I have come to realize just how important and essential closure is for me. Some are content with not knowing- they can continue on with their lives not living or feeling any different than before. And others, like myself, keep themselves up for hours, cry, drive themselves absolutely insane because we were not given that closure. By closure I dont just mean they tell you what went wrong, or what happened so forth and so on, I actually mean you get to ask any question you would like to *them. You can cry, you can put forth your two cents worth, and they just listen. Due to not receiving this closure, I have seriously lost years off of my life just wondering and hurting, and for the first time in years I just spoke.
cried
yelled
inquired
listened
I for once wasnt concerned with their impression of me, nor about my madness that became evident from stuffing the emotion away for so long.
he listened.
he responded.
I think I can finally move on.


I felt so sick to my stomach this morning when I woke up.
I was sincerely and truly heartbroken.
I didnt get the response I wanted, however I finally got a real one.
There are still somethings that I dont think will ever be answered however I know what the next step is.

I need to walk away.
just
walk

I can't just stand around, wonder, imagine, and make these unrealistic fairy tales in my mind anymore. Because they are simply UNREALISTIC.

I need to stop daydreaming and live for right now and what is ACTUALLY occurring.

I make things up in my head, notions I would ideally like, situations I would love to take place, people I can only imagine meeting, and as sweet and lovely as that all sounds, it's pretend, and we are not in 3rd grade anymore. I'm "becoming an adult" and this fantasy shit obviously wont due anymore.

Some may say it's a part of who you are- you're imagination that is. And I do believe that, but somethings gotta give.

I'm here.

REAL.

PRACTICAL

NOW.

Transition

"for me it's essential to understand that everyone is alone. Not in the sense of loneliness but rather in the sense that no one can completely understand someone else[...] I want to awaken definite sympathies for the person I have photographed."

Um

lets NOT bring up last night...EVER.

heh

and some good ol cell phone pictures of getting my christmas tree before the night went crazy :]

Damn I eat too much sugar

If everyone was brutally honest the word confusion would cease to exist.
And stress would nearly be eliminated. No guessing. That would be GREAT if we could try that.


Today:Christmas play, Christmas party, Christmas Dinner, getting a Christmas tree.
christmas christmas christmas christmassssss ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

1. I HAVENT STARTED SHOPPING.

2. i'm a procrastinator :]

for the record

I am going to have to say that last night was one of the best nights i have had in a long time. What's particularly strange about that is, I met the people I had the best time with for the first time. Promise and I were throwing a surprise birthday party for her friend/close close friend/boyfriend? lol since Promise is still getting to know his friends, this entailed calling people we had never met, and inviting them to my apartment for his birthday party.

I was okay with this initially because I was under the impression that Promise would be there with me, and that I wouldnt be in a potentially awkward situation with almost 15-20 people that I didnt know. However in the same sense it also could have the affect of " since you dont know these people it doesnt matter how much you impress them because they dont know you or having any so-called expectations" so i could just be completely myself with no worries. Well Adam's friends one by one started showing up and the latter affect came into play.
They were such down to earth, funny and just awesome people. No awkwardness. Just the common obsession with High School Musical.( I can't believe I just admitted that :0) We ate, talked, rehersed for Adam's arrival, and got pretty comfortable around one another. An hour passed and Adam and Promise were finally on their way.

I'm getting pretty tired of typing but the point is
I had an amazing time with wonderful people, and being myself-stress free and outgoing, really payed off.
It was well worth only getting 2 hours of sleep.