night shift

I realized that I need to work. Not for the money it brings in or for the sole purpose of paying bills, but I need my coworkers, I need those few nice customers that come in once in a while, I need to be challenged, irritated, worked, tired, laughing hysterically, or ridiculously mad. Because when I lack those series of emotions I forget what life is, what human interaction and existence is all about. It's about those extremes, the shades of grey,the hours upon hours of investing, the accomplishments, the shortcomings...

it's about feeling something real...and nothing is more real than raw emotion.

Impatience

one of my biggest downfalls is just that, impatience. I constantly feel like I have to know everything right now and if I can't, then I MAKE it happen. I manipulate the situation, control too much, or just demand for the result, or answer. Waiting to see where the chips fall has always been bull shit to me, they WILL NEVER fall if I don't DO something.

In this case I just want to ask a question, I hate moving forward blindly, not knowing what wall I am going to run into. I would rather just know. I suppose that takes the fun out of it but it also saves you from the potential grief and pain.

I just want to know where this is going- if anywhere at all. I guess that's my question, where?
Are we working towards something? Are we someone to just by time with,? Are we still just trying to figure that out? Because we go through these phases, we hang out quite a bit and I swear I know where we are heading next and then it stops.

I would be OK if I just knew.

:]

I'm happy.

that's it for now.

one more...

"[Someone] who's happy when its natural, and sad and disappointed and frustrated when that's natural. But someone who never pushes those feelings on themselves because they think thats how it should be. Someone who lets themselves feel crummy and bad when things are crummy and bad because they know that that's ok - even though in the end things will be ok. More than ok, in fact. Things will be wonderful. I think that's optimism."

Marilyn says it perfectly!

FINALLLY

bahahaha
I can start painting :D

canvas (check)
brushes (check)
paint(check)

um yea...this is my next big thing.

p.s. I havent seen my best friend in 3 days and I think I am going to die.

3:30

I have no idea why but when I am around this certain guy, I completely freeze up. I dont mean the casual "I have a crush nerves," I mean I get SILENT. I have nothing to say and when I do happen to utter a word, it makes no sense. I spill things around him, I start kinda shaking... it's so pathetic. What's sad is I know him and I would be perfect together but he'll never see that because I cant seem to be myself- I get so stuck. What he doesnt know is we have all these things in common, and my personality, my REAL personality fits with his. This has honestly NEVER happened to me before. I have NEVER felt this way. It has so much potential but he'll never know. :/

The only reason he semi sees me now is because over texting I can actually say what I am thinking and what I would normally voice... it intrigues him, so he asks to hang out. We hang out, and I cant say one thing. He gives me this weird look like what the hell. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO.

the whole "just loosen up" advice isnt working.

please,
helllllp.
:[

wtf

Have you ever had this unmistakable desire to be in a music video? Where you singing and dancing frantically around is socially acceptable because, well, its "business."

I really have no idea why but I ALWAYS want to sing and dance around- I mean alwaysss. I would say its becoming to be a bit weird.
For instance, I was visiting my mom and when I looked at the time my thought went something like this:

(in my head) hmm I better be getting home, it's late...( here comes the worst part and I promise I am not kidding) I wonder whats on the radio right now... okay...
"bye mom I love you"

I have this obsession with turning my radio up ridiculously loud and just belting out while making obscene dancing gestures that i think are pretty damn cool. I look forward to driving specifically because I want to sing and dance.

I wish sometimes we could all pull a "High School Musical" or "Hairspray" and just burst out in song, run, and DANCE.

I wish I had some sort of reason to do it... ya know?
I'm probably totally alone on this one.


on a side note: I use to think I might have road rage...
now...
I definitely have road rage.

dont tail gate me bitches.

mushycrap

So, as I mentioned in prior posts, December....how can I say this right..... was the worst fucking month of my life. (excuse the cussing)
Just moved out
Roommate troubles
Dad ditching me
financial issues
boys
having to be REAL with myself
holidays without someone...
the list could really just go on and on
So in light of this mad crazy month I decided to spend some time with the good ol fam and second family.

You move out on your own and you get so consumed with socializing, 'events' to attend, school, work, just being independent and then there comes a time when you have a few moments where that all stops. You have time to think- to remember and to reminisce. Sometimes, just sometimes,you forget about life outside your bubble, you forget about family- about the people who have always been there. and maybe because it's just that...they have ALWAYS been THERE.

Well, this happens once a week.
I run myself in circles, rushing, getting so wrapped up in meaningless mayhem...it's really sick.
I pause and I remember:

My mom making those healthy agave treats that are irresistible.
My step-dad being the smart ass that he is... but having the best lovable intentions.
My dogs that I miss dearly.
Sitting and just telling my mom every concern and worry and her just listening.
Her buying me a 25 dollar lotion bottle JUST because my hands were a bit dry
Promise playing the piano for me while I just admire and realize just how beautiful, talented, and amazing MY best friend is.
Marilyn being so gosh darn adorable and making me her famous cooookies
Joylyn and I laughing hysterically at the dumbest things and her showing me her most recent amazing photos
Terrie giving me a WHOLE box of truffles JUST because I liked them
Benji being crazy
Weeeeel and his showing off of his sweater
Promise slapping his weel.
oh man...
I really just love my family.



:]

1 1/2

I have come to realize just how important and essential closure is for me. Some are content with not knowing- they can continue on with their lives not living or feeling any different than before. And others, like myself, keep themselves up for hours, cry, drive themselves absolutely insane because we were not given that closure. By closure I dont just mean they tell you what went wrong, or what happened so forth and so on, I actually mean you get to ask any question you would like to *them. You can cry, you can put forth your two cents worth, and they just listen. Due to not receiving this closure, I have seriously lost years off of my life just wondering and hurting, and for the first time in years I just spoke.
cried
yelled
inquired
listened
I for once wasnt concerned with their impression of me, nor about my madness that became evident from stuffing the emotion away for so long.
he listened.
he responded.
I think I can finally move on.


I felt so sick to my stomach this morning when I woke up.
I was sincerely and truly heartbroken.
I didnt get the response I wanted, however I finally got a real one.
There are still somethings that I dont think will ever be answered however I know what the next step is.

I need to walk away.
just
walk

I can't just stand around, wonder, imagine, and make these unrealistic fairy tales in my mind anymore. Because they are simply UNREALISTIC.

I need to stop daydreaming and live for right now and what is ACTUALLY occurring.

I make things up in my head, notions I would ideally like, situations I would love to take place, people I can only imagine meeting, and as sweet and lovely as that all sounds, it's pretend, and we are not in 3rd grade anymore. I'm "becoming an adult" and this fantasy shit obviously wont due anymore.

Some may say it's a part of who you are- you're imagination that is. And I do believe that, but somethings gotta give.

I'm here.

REAL.

PRACTICAL

NOW.

Transition

"for me it's essential to understand that everyone is alone. Not in the sense of loneliness but rather in the sense that no one can completely understand someone else[...] I want to awaken definite sympathies for the person I have photographed."

Um

lets NOT bring up last night...EVER.

heh

and some good ol cell phone pictures of getting my christmas tree before the night went crazy :]

Damn I eat too much sugar

If everyone was brutally honest the word confusion would cease to exist.
And stress would nearly be eliminated. No guessing. That would be GREAT if we could try that.


Today:Christmas play, Christmas party, Christmas Dinner, getting a Christmas tree.
christmas christmas christmas christmassssss ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

1. I HAVENT STARTED SHOPPING.

2. i'm a procrastinator :]

for the record

I am going to have to say that last night was one of the best nights i have had in a long time. What's particularly strange about that is, I met the people I had the best time with for the first time. Promise and I were throwing a surprise birthday party for her friend/close close friend/boyfriend? lol since Promise is still getting to know his friends, this entailed calling people we had never met, and inviting them to my apartment for his birthday party.

I was okay with this initially because I was under the impression that Promise would be there with me, and that I wouldnt be in a potentially awkward situation with almost 15-20 people that I didnt know. However in the same sense it also could have the affect of " since you dont know these people it doesnt matter how much you impress them because they dont know you or having any so-called expectations" so i could just be completely myself with no worries. Well Adam's friends one by one started showing up and the latter affect came into play.
They were such down to earth, funny and just awesome people. No awkwardness. Just the common obsession with High School Musical.( I can't believe I just admitted that :0) We ate, talked, rehersed for Adam's arrival, and got pretty comfortable around one another. An hour passed and Adam and Promise were finally on their way.

I'm getting pretty tired of typing but the point is
I had an amazing time with wonderful people, and being myself-stress free and outgoing, really payed off.
It was well worth only getting 2 hours of sleep.

this is for my memory

-breathe
-surrender
-let go
-time
-hold...dont squeeze
-give


my appt with sue was...well...liberating. It wasnt that i was a complete disaster today nor did i even need to talk about something in particular- I actually felt quite the opposite. This time I was searching for things to talk about because I felt so great. We opened up with prayer and God really showed me the things I still needed to heal and to release. Things are really getting better and i'm quite happy with the outcomethus far. I really had my doubts about this whole life coach or mentor thing. I was a bit apprehensive thinking...how is talking about my problems going to solve anything at all, It just makes you dwell even more. Wrong. This is exactly what I needed, not that im a total mess by any means, but some guidance is so refreshing and freeing.

The people we meet through exchanged glances and casual hellos.

A guy came through my line at Trader Joes with a cart full of groceries, and he was so charming and absolutely adorable. I started talking to him more and found out thathe was just here in Redlands visting for the week. It's sad to think ill never see him again.

December

By far the hardest month.

I'd like to just be content.

"what have i gotten into this time around?"

if my mind could paint.

i kinda liike it

My mom sent this to me via email (yes we email) and i thought it was quite cute.
last blog today I promise.

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
40. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
41. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
42. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
43. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
44. The best is yet to come.
45. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
46. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
4 7. If you don't ask, you don't get.
48. Yield.
49. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
50. a real friend walks in while the rest of the world walks out.

crappy cell phone pictures that correspond to the blog below

correspond

"And my wasted heart will love you"

Promise and I came to the conclusion that we are clearly B.R.O.K.E. If we wanted to make rent and afford to live at all that some "ways to save" would have to be implemented.

So our first idea,which was clearly our best, was to stop eating out so much. If you know us AT ALL , you know that Promise and I eat like there wont be a next meal. So in Lu of this "saving" we didnt eat out and decided to eat the way every poor college student should eat. cheap and healthy-beans and rice. yep. it was pretty pathetic in comparison to our sushi nights out, our thai food vices, or our cheesecake indulgences but none-the-less it filled our stomachs. We then realized that it was actually good.

This is was our way to save money :]

After the delicious meal Laura came over and we took a trip to Target, a place i never advise ANYONE to take me too, and purchased cookies, frosting, a snowman cake cut out, love actually the movie, and sprinkles. We came home baked and watched what i deem to be the most unique love story.

hint-guys should watch this for ideas

above are the pictures of our poor meal and of the snowman cookie we baked. and YES we did eat allll of that. :/

gotta love

beyonce blasting from the neighbors patio.

my windows are rattling...nice

roses,waves,ice cream,burgers

life is getting a bit mundane...time to spice this shit up!
hah just kidding.
but really :]

i meant stuff not shit woops

thrill me.

I'm young-and I am still learning

i think im ready for this...either that or extremely bored


I dont know it all,

i havent got it all figured out yet.

I'm still growing up and quite frankly i dont know what i want.

I have an 4 amazing best friends
Promise
Laura
Justin
Dustin
they are my world.

People with persistence and confidence intrigue me.

The people that know the leastabout me are the ones that have shown they care the most.

My communications class has given me a confidence that i will never be able to explain.

People almost always have false assumptions about me.

I like sushi and i am fascinated by the asian culture- the authenticity

I would love to someday get the guts to travel to different countries and stay for months at a time.

I complicate situations.

You will never know what im really thinking.plain.and.simple. (Promise can sometimes)

I like tradition

I'm hispanic and i've always wanted to embrace that more.

I like musicals, stupid girl music,and overplayed radio rap. fuck off

I will always love my high school boyfriend. its been 4 years and no one will know me like he does. it just wont happen again like that. We're not together but he means the world to me and he will always be my best friend. love doesnt get any deeper.

I get overwhelmed easily.

I look at the 'big picture'

I have a potty mouth as of recently- desperately trying to stop

I live on my own, pay my own rent,pay my own bills, work, go to school and im doing just fine.

I love god but i have a hard time letting him into my life. I like to deal with things on my own and giving it to someone is extremely difficult for me. im learning.

Few people impress me

I can tell a great deal about you by meeting you once. test me.

I rushed into a "could be relationship" and screwed up my chances. I wasnt thinking and I regret what i did. He is an amazing guy with so much going for him and I hope he knows that. I learned so much from him.

Above any other "hot" celebrity i think michael cera has my heart. He is adorable without even trying. go ahead and laugh

I like red wine. I think one glass a night is healthy for the mind.

I'm starting to paint.

I find horoscopes so incredibly interesting and rather true

He had me at hello ;]

I really like maps- and have wanted a globe forever.

I have changed in almost every single way in 3 months.

I have an old soul.

I would rather give.

Events,people,circumstances,conversations,looks, and places mean something to me. I dont take things lightly

I. am. a. perfectionist.

I love being around huge crowds- that's when im the happiest.

My mom is my best friend.

My step dad is amazing and has really been great at taking on the role of a dad. I love you and your efforts are noticed and greatly appreciated. Thank you Tim. You are what keeps me going and gives me hope. My mom did good.

I write in a journal everyday so i will remember everyday of my life.

I over analyze almost everything

I can be so damn weird.

I have an extended family that i miss dearly. and wiil :]

My relationship with my dad is rocky and it hurts.

I have a tendency to avoid my problems. I avoid confrontation or disappointment of any sort.

I have someone to talk to every week that helps sort my thoughts because i have too many.

I really REALLY like to shop.

I have an insane sweet tooth

I actually like my job and the people I work with.

I love romance and being romanced

Mums are my favorite flowers

I'm a cheap date- it's the simple things that get me

I'll finish this later

I'm writing this for me.

I was reading my best friend's blog and she had recently come to a point in her life where she could see herself, and I dont mean that in a literal way, but she knows who she is and is able to come to terms with it. It's beautiful. God for so long i've wanted to do something for ME, not caring or even taking into consideration of what others may report or even think. Being a mystery is so much easier. What's sad is im probably so transparent. But back to the point. I was looking at all the things she had accepted and said without caring about the hundreds of people who would read it, or what their thoughts would be. What would happen- if anything at all Aand i envied that. I can for once honestly say i'm not at that point yet. I'm not. Sometimes I get in moods where I like to think i'm invincible and that nothing fazes me-it does.
Actually writing out who i am and what that entails is terrifying.

maybe one day.

"When one door closes another opens"

I try to grasp this- over and over again i repeat it to myself in hopes that one of those times i will actually come to believe it. I've been closing my own doors lately-some without knowing and others unwillingly have been "closed."
The ceasing has been hard for me. I have found myself sleeping in to ridiculous hours to escape what im escaping. I dont know why so many things have changed or closed. I'm not really sure the purpose it is serving other than making me absolutely miserable. People just leave-things, situations, places, leave.
I would rather it not happen
But when i look back at other times when people or things left it was all for the better- and eventually something better did arise. However for once in my life i was completely content with how things were transpiring and it's heart breaking knowing that things can be so impermanent. They are liable to leave at any given time- and me stuck here dealing with the the emotion that it inevitably gives.
I really wish that people thought before they did things. If you arent REALLY interested in someone, dont fuck with their head. If you dont plan on sticking around then DONT come around in the first place. Dont lead people one. Dont say things unlesss you TRULY mean them. It complicates situations and it hurts the person you are falsely convincing. It would be better if we were real with ourselves and aware that other people's emotions are involved.

think. please.

the way i write tired

I think sometimes we put ourselves in positions specifically to get hurt. sounds absurd. yes. its agreed, it is absurd. ridiculous. we like to be hurt. we like knowing that that feeling still exists. we thrive off of butterflies, mystery, nausea, nerves, and hopelessness, of that what if. we like it. you can argue that these all account as misery and that many of our "worst" moments accompanied these feelings. overwhelming right? but they were our best. those were the days those are the days we live off of, " too good to be true" i find myself putting, intentionally putting myself in those cases. why? why do i still surround myself with individuals who have sincerely killed my insides? because that feeling of misery, mystery, and the 'what if' gets my heart pumping, my nerves thrilling. is it possible to enjoy "testing the water?" when we were kids the "dont do that" inevitably triggered the "im going to do it." we did it. it hurt. we liked it.
we'll never admit it. i wont either. i will never admit that i liked being heart broken, confused, raging. but what's funny is that is what we remember. in all those graduation speeches you hear they go as follows: " and remember all the trivial drama, that boy that broke your heart, the friend that left, the ridicule and embarrassing moments" and then every ones eyes pour. yes. we. like. it. we find ourselves missing it-hence the tears flooding.
its why the girl goes for the assholeshecantfigureoutthattreatsherlikeshitandmakeshercrythebadboythatgiveshertheworstandBESTtimesofherlife.
it all makes sense.
im currently and consciously putting myself through the same thing right now and that's how i am able to write this. i know im deranged. but ill look back and will realize it was all worth it and i liked that























pain.