1 1/2

I have come to realize just how important and essential closure is for me. Some are content with not knowing- they can continue on with their lives not living or feeling any different than before. And others, like myself, keep themselves up for hours, cry, drive themselves absolutely insane because we were not given that closure. By closure I dont just mean they tell you what went wrong, or what happened so forth and so on, I actually mean you get to ask any question you would like to *them. You can cry, you can put forth your two cents worth, and they just listen. Due to not receiving this closure, I have seriously lost years off of my life just wondering and hurting, and for the first time in years I just spoke.
cried
yelled
inquired
listened
I for once wasnt concerned with their impression of me, nor about my madness that became evident from stuffing the emotion away for so long.
he listened.
he responded.
I think I can finally move on.


I felt so sick to my stomach this morning when I woke up.
I was sincerely and truly heartbroken.
I didnt get the response I wanted, however I finally got a real one.
There are still somethings that I dont think will ever be answered however I know what the next step is.

I need to walk away.
just
walk

I can't just stand around, wonder, imagine, and make these unrealistic fairy tales in my mind anymore. Because they are simply UNREALISTIC.

I need to stop daydreaming and live for right now and what is ACTUALLY occurring.

I make things up in my head, notions I would ideally like, situations I would love to take place, people I can only imagine meeting, and as sweet and lovely as that all sounds, it's pretend, and we are not in 3rd grade anymore. I'm "becoming an adult" and this fantasy shit obviously wont due anymore.

Some may say it's a part of who you are- you're imagination that is. And I do believe that, but somethings gotta give.

I'm here.

REAL.

PRACTICAL

NOW.

Transition

"for me it's essential to understand that everyone is alone. Not in the sense of loneliness but rather in the sense that no one can completely understand someone else[...] I want to awaken definite sympathies for the person I have photographed."

Um

lets NOT bring up last night...EVER.

heh

and some good ol cell phone pictures of getting my christmas tree before the night went crazy :]

Damn I eat too much sugar

If everyone was brutally honest the word confusion would cease to exist.
And stress would nearly be eliminated. No guessing. That would be GREAT if we could try that.


Today:Christmas play, Christmas party, Christmas Dinner, getting a Christmas tree.
christmas christmas christmas christmassssss ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

1. I HAVENT STARTED SHOPPING.

2. i'm a procrastinator :]

for the record

I am going to have to say that last night was one of the best nights i have had in a long time. What's particularly strange about that is, I met the people I had the best time with for the first time. Promise and I were throwing a surprise birthday party for her friend/close close friend/boyfriend? lol since Promise is still getting to know his friends, this entailed calling people we had never met, and inviting them to my apartment for his birthday party.

I was okay with this initially because I was under the impression that Promise would be there with me, and that I wouldnt be in a potentially awkward situation with almost 15-20 people that I didnt know. However in the same sense it also could have the affect of " since you dont know these people it doesnt matter how much you impress them because they dont know you or having any so-called expectations" so i could just be completely myself with no worries. Well Adam's friends one by one started showing up and the latter affect came into play.
They were such down to earth, funny and just awesome people. No awkwardness. Just the common obsession with High School Musical.( I can't believe I just admitted that :0) We ate, talked, rehersed for Adam's arrival, and got pretty comfortable around one another. An hour passed and Adam and Promise were finally on their way.

I'm getting pretty tired of typing but the point is
I had an amazing time with wonderful people, and being myself-stress free and outgoing, really payed off.
It was well worth only getting 2 hours of sleep.

this is for my memory

-breathe
-surrender
-let go
-time
-hold...dont squeeze
-give


my appt with sue was...well...liberating. It wasnt that i was a complete disaster today nor did i even need to talk about something in particular- I actually felt quite the opposite. This time I was searching for things to talk about because I felt so great. We opened up with prayer and God really showed me the things I still needed to heal and to release. Things are really getting better and i'm quite happy with the outcomethus far. I really had my doubts about this whole life coach or mentor thing. I was a bit apprehensive thinking...how is talking about my problems going to solve anything at all, It just makes you dwell even more. Wrong. This is exactly what I needed, not that im a total mess by any means, but some guidance is so refreshing and freeing.

The people we meet through exchanged glances and casual hellos.

A guy came through my line at Trader Joes with a cart full of groceries, and he was so charming and absolutely adorable. I started talking to him more and found out thathe was just here in Redlands visting for the week. It's sad to think ill never see him again.