I'm young-and I am still learning

i think im ready for this...either that or extremely bored


I dont know it all,

i havent got it all figured out yet.

I'm still growing up and quite frankly i dont know what i want.

I have an 4 amazing best friends
Promise
Laura
Justin
Dustin
they are my world.

People with persistence and confidence intrigue me.

The people that know the leastabout me are the ones that have shown they care the most.

My communications class has given me a confidence that i will never be able to explain.

People almost always have false assumptions about me.

I like sushi and i am fascinated by the asian culture- the authenticity

I would love to someday get the guts to travel to different countries and stay for months at a time.

I complicate situations.

You will never know what im really thinking.plain.and.simple. (Promise can sometimes)

I like tradition

I'm hispanic and i've always wanted to embrace that more.

I like musicals, stupid girl music,and overplayed radio rap. fuck off

I will always love my high school boyfriend. its been 4 years and no one will know me like he does. it just wont happen again like that. We're not together but he means the world to me and he will always be my best friend. love doesnt get any deeper.

I get overwhelmed easily.

I look at the 'big picture'

I have a potty mouth as of recently- desperately trying to stop

I live on my own, pay my own rent,pay my own bills, work, go to school and im doing just fine.

I love god but i have a hard time letting him into my life. I like to deal with things on my own and giving it to someone is extremely difficult for me. im learning.

Few people impress me

I can tell a great deal about you by meeting you once. test me.

I rushed into a "could be relationship" and screwed up my chances. I wasnt thinking and I regret what i did. He is an amazing guy with so much going for him and I hope he knows that. I learned so much from him.

Above any other "hot" celebrity i think michael cera has my heart. He is adorable without even trying. go ahead and laugh

I like red wine. I think one glass a night is healthy for the mind.

I'm starting to paint.

I find horoscopes so incredibly interesting and rather true

He had me at hello ;]

I really like maps- and have wanted a globe forever.

I have changed in almost every single way in 3 months.

I have an old soul.

I would rather give.

Events,people,circumstances,conversations,looks, and places mean something to me. I dont take things lightly

I. am. a. perfectionist.

I love being around huge crowds- that's when im the happiest.

My mom is my best friend.

My step dad is amazing and has really been great at taking on the role of a dad. I love you and your efforts are noticed and greatly appreciated. Thank you Tim. You are what keeps me going and gives me hope. My mom did good.

I write in a journal everyday so i will remember everyday of my life.

I over analyze almost everything

I can be so damn weird.

I have an extended family that i miss dearly. and wiil :]

My relationship with my dad is rocky and it hurts.

I have a tendency to avoid my problems. I avoid confrontation or disappointment of any sort.

I have someone to talk to every week that helps sort my thoughts because i have too many.

I really REALLY like to shop.

I have an insane sweet tooth

I actually like my job and the people I work with.

I love romance and being romanced

Mums are my favorite flowers

I'm a cheap date- it's the simple things that get me

I'll finish this later

I'm writing this for me.

I was reading my best friend's blog and she had recently come to a point in her life where she could see herself, and I dont mean that in a literal way, but she knows who she is and is able to come to terms with it. It's beautiful. God for so long i've wanted to do something for ME, not caring or even taking into consideration of what others may report or even think. Being a mystery is so much easier. What's sad is im probably so transparent. But back to the point. I was looking at all the things she had accepted and said without caring about the hundreds of people who would read it, or what their thoughts would be. What would happen- if anything at all Aand i envied that. I can for once honestly say i'm not at that point yet. I'm not. Sometimes I get in moods where I like to think i'm invincible and that nothing fazes me-it does.
Actually writing out who i am and what that entails is terrifying.

maybe one day.

"When one door closes another opens"

I try to grasp this- over and over again i repeat it to myself in hopes that one of those times i will actually come to believe it. I've been closing my own doors lately-some without knowing and others unwillingly have been "closed."
The ceasing has been hard for me. I have found myself sleeping in to ridiculous hours to escape what im escaping. I dont know why so many things have changed or closed. I'm not really sure the purpose it is serving other than making me absolutely miserable. People just leave-things, situations, places, leave.
I would rather it not happen
But when i look back at other times when people or things left it was all for the better- and eventually something better did arise. However for once in my life i was completely content with how things were transpiring and it's heart breaking knowing that things can be so impermanent. They are liable to leave at any given time- and me stuck here dealing with the the emotion that it inevitably gives.
I really wish that people thought before they did things. If you arent REALLY interested in someone, dont fuck with their head. If you dont plan on sticking around then DONT come around in the first place. Dont lead people one. Dont say things unlesss you TRULY mean them. It complicates situations and it hurts the person you are falsely convincing. It would be better if we were real with ourselves and aware that other people's emotions are involved.

think. please.

the way i write tired

I think sometimes we put ourselves in positions specifically to get hurt. sounds absurd. yes. its agreed, it is absurd. ridiculous. we like to be hurt. we like knowing that that feeling still exists. we thrive off of butterflies, mystery, nausea, nerves, and hopelessness, of that what if. we like it. you can argue that these all account as misery and that many of our "worst" moments accompanied these feelings. overwhelming right? but they were our best. those were the days those are the days we live off of, " too good to be true" i find myself putting, intentionally putting myself in those cases. why? why do i still surround myself with individuals who have sincerely killed my insides? because that feeling of misery, mystery, and the 'what if' gets my heart pumping, my nerves thrilling. is it possible to enjoy "testing the water?" when we were kids the "dont do that" inevitably triggered the "im going to do it." we did it. it hurt. we liked it.
we'll never admit it. i wont either. i will never admit that i liked being heart broken, confused, raging. but what's funny is that is what we remember. in all those graduation speeches you hear they go as follows: " and remember all the trivial drama, that boy that broke your heart, the friend that left, the ridicule and embarrassing moments" and then every ones eyes pour. yes. we. like. it. we find ourselves missing it-hence the tears flooding.
its why the girl goes for the assholeshecantfigureoutthattreatsherlikeshitandmakeshercrythebadboythatgiveshertheworstandBESTtimesofherlife.
it all makes sense.
im currently and consciously putting myself through the same thing right now and that's how i am able to write this. i know im deranged. but ill look back and will realize it was all worth it and i liked that























pain.